This Life I Lead
by bateemma416
Summary: Dean does some snooping around in Sam's bag and gets answers as to why Sam didn't look for him while he was in purgatory. AU. ONESHOT. T to be safe. Guess who screwed up the timeline of the show... Me! Still readable.
1. Chapter 1

Hey Everyone!

I am going to be doing a bunch of one shots… Just for a little bit as I get myself back to 100% and continue on with my other stories.

Thanks,

Emma

This story takes place right after Sam and Dean get back together when Dean comes back from Purgatory. No Amelia story line in this AU, sorry.

 _ **Dean's thoughts**_

"I'll go get us a room." Dean said stepping out of baby

Sam didn't get a chance to respond and thus sat back and let his head rest against the window. By the time Dean had gotten back to the Impala Sam was almost asleep; when Dean got into the Impala Sam jumped.

"Woah, calm down Sam its just me!" Dean said closing his door

"Sorry." Sam said looking down at his feet

"Its fine. Just calm the hell down." Dean said

Dean pulled around to their room and without saying anything Sam grabbed the bags and waited by the door for Dean to unlock it. Once Dean had the door unlocked Sam put their bags on their beds and then grabbed his night clothes and went into the bathroom. What Sam didn't do however was close his duffle, which to Dean was now an open invitation to see if he could figure out what was wrong with Sammy.

Dean heard the shower turn on and he was immediately sitting down on Sam's bed, having just dumped the contents of his duffle all over it. He neatly folded the clothes and then went to look through everything else that had fallen out of his brother's duffle.

He found: a picture of Jess and Sam, a few pens and pencils, a black leather bound notebook, a dog collar with the name Dean on it, a bullet on a lead with S.W. and the number 1 carved into it, and 2 pill bottles that were both almost full. Dean grabbed the pad and paper and quickly jotted down the doctor's name, the drugs and the dosage. He quickly put everything back into Sam's duffle and then grabbed Sam's laptop. He sat down at the table and first googled Amitriptyline which is an anti depressant and then Perphenazine which was anti psychotic. Then Dean googled them together and found that when used together they can treat Moderate-severe anxiety and depression. Once Dean had written all of that information down he went to Dr. Gorod's website to see why he had Sam on both of these. To do so required him hacking into the medical records, which to Dean was second nature. You want something? Then go get it.

5 minutes later Dean was finally in the medical files and was looking for the W's, Dean was assuming that Sam would use Warren as his last name. Once he found S Warren he downloaded the files and closed the browser. He opened the pdf and started reading the doctors notes.

 _Sam Warren came to me shortly after the very tragic loss of his brother, to which he says is his fault. We have had 7 sessions now and I think we are finally getting somewhere. Sam is no longer self harming, which was a big obstacle to overcome for him. An institution was suggested by Sam but I didn't think that was the right setting for him to get the help he most desperately needed. Sam also mentioned that he had an uncle but he didn't feel like he could go to him for fear of rejection._

 _I have given Sam Amitriptyline and Perphenazine to treat his depression and anxiety, I have stressed to him how important it is to keep taking his medications to he is balanced._

 _Today we talked about forgiveness, for Sam this quickly became and difficult topic to talk about. As per usual Sam said that he wasn't capable of receiving forgiveness. So, I asked him to bring me to his brothers resting place. Fortunately, this wasn't hard to convince Sam of, we grabbed our jackets and Sam drove me down to the open field where one single cross was sticking out of the ground. Sam grabbed a plastic bag out of the car and walked over to the grave, once we got closer to the grave I was able to see what Sam had the plastic bag for. Right in front of the cross was a white plate with a slice of pie on it. Sam took the plate, got rid of the old pie, wiped it clean and then put the new slice of pie on the plate. He sat down and said one thing "I didn't forget the pie this time Dean." It is evident the amount of love Sam has for his brother Dean._

 _Sam had a rough night, I got a call at 2:30 am and Sam was in his apartment having a panic attack. Once I got to his apartment, I found the door was unlocked and went right to him. I was able to grab the gun out of his hand and calm him down enough to get him into my car and get him to my house where he would be safe for the night._

 _ **So that's what that bullet was from.**_

 _I canceled all of my other appointments today. Sam deserved my full attention for the day. I found that With Sam, having "chick flick moments" as he called them is just what he craves. He wants to talk things out and that has been and will be a key part to his recovery. I am glad I got to meet this man, he wants to work through things. He just has a little trouble doing so when no one is around to help him through it. So, I suggested getting him a therapy dog. Sam accepted and he is going to meet the dogs this afternoon to see which one is the best fit for him._

 _Sam and Dean came into the office today and for the first time I saw a real smile on his face. I couldn't believe it when I got a call from Lisa who works with the therapy dogs. The first dog that came up to Sam was a dog named Dean. Sam said that he normally doesn't believe in reincarnation but he wants to think that in someway Dean is part of this dog. Sam said that he wants to try camping. I encouraged this of course and this will be the first week that he wont be coming in for an appointment._

 _Today Sam was supposed to be coming back for his first session after camping. That was before I heard the sound of screeching tires outside my window. I ran outside to see what all the commotion was and there was Sam lying on the road unconscious, Dean had jumped in front of Sam and had taken the first impact. He unfortunately lay dead beside Sam._

Dean was startled to hear the bathroom door open.

"Is it okay if I turn off the lights? I am going to try and get some sleep." Sam asked

"Yep that's okay. I was just looking through some old emails." Dean said

Once Dean was sure that Sam had settled in he went back to reading through the file.

 _I got into the ambulance with Sam and was right beside him when he woke up. I explained to him what had happened and that Dean had unfortunately died trying to save Sam's life. Sam was distraught and once I had gotten him calmed down we were able to talk about the feelings and motions that were muddling around in his head. Dean saved Sam's life that day, Sam came away with a broken leg and a fractured pelvis. Incredibly lucky._

Dean skimmed the rest until he got to the last few entries.

 _Its coming up to a year with Sam, he has improved greatly and has found coping mechanisms. We have been talking about the importance of continually taking his medications and about how talking things out is more helpful than bottling things up. Thankfully these entries are getting shorter, this means that soon enough we can move our sessions to bi-weekly or even monthly depending on how things progress at the 1 year mark._

 _Sam brought me in a picture of himself and his brother Dean, he asked me to keep it. He went on further to say that there is nothing that he could possibly give me more to thank me than this picture. I can say that not much has brought me to tears but that gesture alone was enough to let a few tears fall. We've decided to move our sessions to bi-weekly and then in 6 months we are going to re-evaluate and possibly move to monthly._

 _Sam has not been to his appointments for a month now and I am beginning to worry. I went to his apartment and found most of the contents gone. Including Dean's collar which was one of the most important items to him. I hope that I am able to re-connect with Sam Warren._

Dean closed the pdf and then turned off the laptop. He noticed that Sam was thrashing in his sleep and he was calling out for Dean, whether it was for his dog or him he didn't know. Dean went over to the bed and grabbed onto Sam's shoulder shaking him awake.

"Sam, we need to talk about this." Dean said looking down at Sam

Sam sat up with his back against the headboard, he was now looking down towards his hands and not making any effort to make eye contact with Dean.

"I'm sorry I didn't let you explain earlier. I called you and just expected you to drop everything and just come back. I blamed you for not looking for me and that wasn't fair. I'm sorry Sam." Dean said

"It's okay Dean. I should have been looking for you and…" Sam said before Dean interrupted

"Sam, I want you to be able to tell me things. I don't want to have to Sherlock Holmes everything." Dean said

"I assume you already know everything already then. I know you weren't checking your emails. So, that means you checked my medical files and to do so would mean getting my doctors name, and to do so would require you looking at my medication." Sam said

"Look, I just wanted to know that you were going to be alright. I don't want anything to happen to my pain-in-the-ass little brother." Dean said

"Pass me my duffle." Sam said

Dean grabbed Sam's duffle from the end of his bead and set it down on Sam's lap, Dean then got up and came around to the other side of the bed so he was sitting beside Sam.

Sam carefully set his clothing onto the bed and then grabbed the dog collar holding it up, "as I am sure you already know, I was given a therapy dog to deal with my depression and anxiety. When I went to go look at the dogs, the dog that came up to me first and wouldn't let any other dogs get close was named Dean." Sam said showing Dean the inscription on the tag.

"I didn't believe in reincarnation, but I wanted to believe that a part of you was in that dog. I hadn't had him for that long when I was walking to a session and a drunk driver didn't stop and slammed into us. Dean jumped in front of me and the car and took the brunt of the hit, he died and I only had a broken leg and a fractured pelvis. I didn't deserve to live that day." Sam said

Dean didn't say anything because he wanted Sam to continue but he placed a hand on Sam's shoulder to let him know that he was here for him. Sam reached back into the duffle and grabbed the bullet with his name and the number 1 inscribed on it.

"I was having what would be referred to as a 'bad day' and that 'bad day' turned into a full-blown panic attack. I am going to be completely honest with you Dean. I was going to end it. But for some strange reason I decided that I needed to call Dr. Gorod. He raced over to my apartment and got me calmed down. I am forever grateful for that man. I don't know if he wrote in his notes about what I gave him, but it was a picture of us. I don't remember where it was taken or who took it but were both smiling and looking at the camera. I didn't have anything else that meant enough to give to that man. He was an amazing therapist and the main reason why I am still here today."

Dean finally spoke up saying, "Sammy, I don't want to interrupt but I noticed that you haven't been taking your medications."

"I didn't feel like I deserved them after deserting you in purgatory. You were so angry when we met up that I just didn't think I deserved what those pills can give me. I'm sorry Dean." Sam said

"Sammy, purgatory messed me up bad. I don't want to admit it and I don't like admitting it. The way I acted was uncalled for. I didn't let you get a word in edgewise after you said that you had an apartment. I do apologise for that. But from Dr. Gorod's assessment you were doing great on those pills. So please, please start taking them again. I want my Sammy back and if that means you are taking some medication who cares?" Dean said

"You really aren't mad anymore?" Sam asked

"I wont be if you promise me two things." Dean said

"Okay." Sam replied

"You have to take your medications, and you need to tell me if you need to talk to someone. I will drive all the way to Dr. Gorod's office if it means you'll take to someone if not me. Think you can do that?" Dean asked

"Sure thing. Jerk" Sam said a smile creeping onto his face

"Bitch." Dean said bringing in Sam for a hug


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everybody!

I have been asked to write another chapter and after careful consideration I will add some more chapters. Let's just make sure we know that this is AU. Furthermore, I am not a doctor. Google is one hell of a resource but it doesn't make up for medical school.

Emma

SPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPN

"Sammy, purgatory messed me up bad. I don't want to admit it and I don't like admitting it. The way I acted was uncalled for. I didn't let you get a word in edgewise after you said that you had an apartment. I do apologize for that. But from Dr. Gorod's assessment you were doing great on those pills. So please, please start taking them again. I want my Sammy back and if that means you are taking some medication who cares?" Dean said

"You really aren't mad anymore?" Sam asked

"I won't be if you promise me two things." Dean said

"Okay." Sam replied

"You have to take your medications, and you need to tell me if you need to talk to someone. I will drive all the way to Dr. Gorod's office if it means you'll take to someone if not me. Think you can do that?" Dean asked

"Sure thing. Jerk" Sam said a smile creeping onto his face

"Bitch." Dean said bringing in Sam for a hug

SPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPN

Sam and Dean had been back hunting together for about a month now and they were currently hold up in a motel room looking for a new hunt.

Dean was sitting on the bed closest to the door looking through any newspapers he could get his hands on while Sam was sitting at the table that was up against the window looking up cases and news articles online. They stayed like this for 3 hours until Dean got up and said he had had enough and was going to pick up some food.

Sam didn't hear any of that because he was currently staring out the window at nothing in particular.

"Sam!" Dean yelled

"Hmm. What?" Sam answered

"You been taking your pills?" Dean asked, sitting down across from Sam

"Yeah. I was meaning to ask you about something. I just didn't want to take any time away from hunting." Sam said looking down to his lap

"You need to see Dr. Gorod again? Sammy, I thought I told you to tell me and I would drop everything and go. You need to see him now then we go now. Just let me know man." Dean said

"We can leave in the morning if that's okay." Sam said

"Sounds like a plan little brother. Now, food?" Dean asked

"Just a salad, I don't feel like going out if that's alright." Sam said

"Of course, it's alright. I'll be back in 15." Dean said before leaving

SPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPN

The next morning saw Dean and Sam up at the crack of dawn driving towards Dr. Gorod's office, Sam had nodded off about 5 minutes into the drive. Dean looked over and snapped a photo of Sam sleeping on his phone. That always reminded Dean of when Sam was little and John would have to drive around to get Sam to fall asleep. Dean smiled at the memory before turning the radio up a tad and driving on.

They had stopped twice for something to eat and were now sitting outside of Dr. Gorod's office, Sam had been trying to get out for a while now and each time he was talking himself out of it. Dean was watching and not knowing what to say. After the fourth try Dean got out and practically had to drag Sam out before shutting the door and leading him into the office.

Dean opened the door and lightly pushed Sam through before going up to the receptionist and asking to see Dr. Gorod at his earliest availability. Lucky for Sam and Dean he happened to be just finishing his lunch and came out right away.

Dean was watching as he finally got to put a picture to the name, he was almost like Dean had pictured him. Dean was also watching when Dr. Gorod saw Sam, his face practically lit up with a mix of excitement and anticipation.

"Sam?" Dr. Gorod asked

"I was wondering if I could come in for a session?" Sam asked

"On one condition." Dr. Gorod answered

"Sure." Sam said

"Is that Dean?" Dr. Gorod asked

"Yep, that's my older brother Dean." Sam said looking over at Dean

"Nice to finally meet you." Dr. Gorod said

"I just want to tell you how thankful I am that you were the one to stay by Sam's side while I wasn't able to. You kept him whole and alive, and for that I am forever grateful. If it was up to me you would be getting a medal of honor. Just, thanks." Dean rambled on

"Well Sam, I don't have anybody else to see today so you can come right in. Just you or Dean too?" Dr. Gorod asked

"Just me if it's alright?" Sam asked looking towards Dean

"Hey, I have an entire town to look around in. You spent a good chunk of time here, I'll keep myself busy. Just text or call when you're done." Dean said

"Well that settles it then. Come on back Sam." Dr. Gorod said

Dean squeezed Sam's shoulder before walking out of the office and getting into the Impala. He had told Sam he was going to drive around but in actuality he was going to be as close to Sam as he wanted to while still giving him the privacy he wanted.

Sam was sitting on the couch in Dr. Gorod's office. He was running his fingers over the fabric and he could feel the heat caused by the friction. Dr. Gorod sat down opposite Sam and waited until Sam was ready to talk.

10 minutes of silence passed before Sam looked up at Dr. Gorod, "I umm… I get these feelings. Like I'm overwhelmed when I have no good reason to be overwhelmed, I could be sitting on a chair doing some research and I will have to stop what I'm doing because I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then I space out and I can tell it worries Dean." Sam said

"Sounds like sensory overload. Anything else? I don't want to put a name to this before I know exactly what we're dealing with here." Dr. Gorod asked

"Certain textures I have an aversion too, silk being one of them. Focusing, fidgeting, touching. But the touching is alright if I know the person, if I don't know them then I can't deal with being touched." Sam said

Dr. Gorod could tell Sam wasn't being forthcoming with some information so he probed further.

"What about sounds or voices? A lot of people with Sensory Overload cover their ears with their hands when a sound is too much to handle. This sound familiar?" Dr. Gorod asked

"It makes me feel like such a child! I sit there and I just cover my ears until the sound or voice is gone. It's embarrassing." Sam rambled

Sam had let a few tears run down his face and Dr. Gorod had come to kneel in front of Sam with his hand on his knee and the other holding out a tissue. Once Sam had calmed down again Dr. Gorod had taken his seat again and was wiring a few things down before looking back to Sam with serious look on his face.

"W-what?" Sam asked

"Hold on for a second. I'll be right back, hold tight." Dr. Gorod said

Dr. Gorod knew that Dean was the kind of brother t remember the sort of things he needed to ask and the sort of brother that cared for his brother more than himself. So, Dr. Gorod knew that Dean had in fact not left the parking lot. Sure enough Dr. Gorod opened the front door and there was Dean sitting in the front seat. He knocked on the window and motioned for Dean to follow him. Dean got out of the Impala and followed Dr. Gorod back into his office without being offered an explanation as to why.

"What's Dean doing here?" Sam asked

"I need to ask him a few questions you couldn't possibly answer, that is unless you remember your infancy?" Dr. Gorod joked

Sam went a little red before looking towards Dean for comfort, Dean reciprocated and put an arm around Sam.

"Dean I need you to answer these questions to the best of your ability." Dr. Gorod said

"Of course." Dean said straightening up

"Did Sam respond to his name by the time he was a year old?" Dr. Gorod asked

"Nope. He started listening to his name by about 2 ½ though." Dean answered

"When did he first start pointing things out, for example a plane flying over?" Dr. Gorod asked

"2 years old and even then, it was only sometimes other times it was as if he wasn't there at all." Dean explained

"Pretend games?" Dr. G asked

"Nada, but we never really had the time to do things like that. To be completely honest he might have but I don't remember it." Dean answered

"When Sam was a child did he get upset by little changes?" Dr. G asked

"All the freaking time. We couldn't afford lucky charms at one point so we had to by frosted flakes and it was as if the sky was falling. We moved around a lot and that was never easy on him." Dean said

"Talking about feelings?" Dr. G asked

"That was an area Sam didn't have any difficult with and still doesn't. Always about the feelings, but I love him for it." Dean said

"Obsessive?" Dr. G asked

"He would find a book he liked and then he would go off and look up the author. If they had written anything else it had to be read." Dean said

Sam piped up for the first time since Dean had started playing 20 questions, "you think I have autism?" Sam asked

"From what we talked about and the questions Dean answered for me yes I do believe that you have autism. But don't look at it as if it is the end of your life." Dr. Gorod said

"I'm not. I finally have a name to be put to this thing. I had a few teachers call our Dad but he always dismissed it and said that everybody develops at different rates." Sam said


End file.
